


merry christmas, kiss my ass

by apricity (infinitesimalapricity)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Christmas, Cliche, Fluff, M/M, just pointless fluff really, like really cliche, proposal, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-06 00:20:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5395586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinitesimalapricity/pseuds/apricity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“i did that annoying thing where i put loads of smaller boxes inside one big box and you’re getting really mad but you don’t know that the ring is in the smallest box and i can’t wait to see your face”</p>
            </blockquote>





	merry christmas, kiss my ass

**Author's Note:**

> warning : swearing (literally just one swear word okay)
> 
> title : merry christmas, kiss my ass (all time low)
> 
> also christmas is on a monday okay thank
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr link](http://iterumphoenix.tumblr.com/post/134923551779/merry-christmas-kiss-my-ass-phan)

“THIS is what you pulled me out of bed at 7am on a cold December morning for? And on a Monday?!?”

Phil was pretty sure he had gone deaf in one ear, and Dan’s shrieks had woken up their neighbours.

( _“Ooh, Jeremy - I think the cute couple next door is fighting!”_

_“Maybe now you’ll shut up about how perfect they are.”_

_Jeremy slept on the couch that Christmas._ )

-

Dan was dreaming of an existential crisis free land, where the wifi was strong, there was no outdoors, and the bed was the unbelievably comfortable. Until there was an earthquake.

He awoke in fear, to find the earthquake was called Hurricane Phil.

“Go away,” he muttered from the inside of his warm cocoon.

“Morning, Dan!” Phil replied, too cheerful for - Dan peeked at the clock - 7 am.

“No.”

“But it’s Christmas, Dan!” Phil whined, jumping on the bed.

Dan tried a feeble attempt at a groan, and rolled away. He seemed to forget that their bed was not as vast as the one in his dreams, and soon there was a wriggling Dan-shaped lump on the floor. His mutters of the choicest swear words were overshadowed by Phil’s loud laugh. While Phil’s laugh was one of Dan’s most favourite sounds, he was enjoying it less in a burrito of blankets on the floor, what with the bump he could feel forming on the back of his head.

As he tried to untangle himself, he mumbled, “Yeah, you’re definitely the friend that would film someone falling down the stairs.”

-

Phil was old-fashioned - or that was what he wanted everyone to believe. It sounded less pathetic than the fact that the amazingly (pun intended) original and creative man, was clueless when it came to Dan.

Nothing he thought of seemed to be good enough for him. Dinner at a fancy restaurant was too impersonal. And although he knew that pinning up mistletoe in the hallway and ordering pizza was Dan’s ideal date, Phil wanted to give the poor couch some relief.

He had been bouncing in worry till 3 am in the morning; Dan thought it was his usual Christmas Eve excitement (that man had too much energy and Dan had no idea where he got it from) so he smacked Phil’s butt and brought him back to the reality where Dan was Phil trash #1.

So old fashioned Phil, thought of a very clichéd way to give Dan his special surprise.

-

Phil had to get out of bed before Dan, which really wouldn’t be hard, given that Dan hardly stirred before 10 am. But his nerves and the chocolates from the rest of the days of the advent calendar (he was so close to going one day at a time, but goddamn it, it was _totally_ Dan’s fault) had him up and out of bed at 6am - well, he didn’t sleep at all.

He was in a caffeine fuelled daze by 7am - he swore he could feel the 4 cups of coffee sloshing around in his stomach. And so there he was - impatience finally getting to his head - shaking Dan out of bed.

-

Phil half-dragged, half-carried Dan out to the living room, where they had put up the christmas tree. Dan felt himself being plopped down on the cold, hard ground ( _trouble_ ). He opened his eyes, and found himself face to face with a large box.

“We’re doing gifts right now?” He asked sleepily.

Cue enthusiastic nod from Phil.

“This one wasn’t there before, was it?”

Violent shaking of head.

“For me?”

More enthusiastic nods.

“It’s not even wrapped, Phil.”

Unsure shrug.

-

Dan ripped off the tape on the box from his position on the floor. He would be lying if he said he wasn't a little excited, even in his drowsy state.

He peered inside the box once he had gotten it open, and his gift was - another box.

Dan knew where this was going.

When he had opened the fourth box to find a fifth, he lost it. And hence the screaming ensued.

“ _ **THIS**_ is what you pulled me out of bed at 7am on a cold December morning for? And on a Monday?!?”

“Come on - just hurry up!” The older man urged instead.

“Phil, it’s 7 am on a cold December Monday,” Dan repeated stiffly at a lower decibel, glaring at Phil sleepily, “I haven’t had any caffeine or the half an hour on my phone in bed that I need to wake up - now i don’t care if it’s Christmas,” he pointed half-heartedly at the Christmas tree behind Phil, “While your excitement is endearing, it only rubs off on me after 11 am - and I’m also not very fond of being subjected to boxception right at the bright ass crack of dawn.”

“Dan, please - “ Phil pleaded, whipping out the sad anime eyes that he reserved for special occasions, “Just this one; then you can go right back to bed.”

“Fine, but only because I don’t have the energy to stab you right now.”

“And because you love me.”

“Less and less every second,” Dan grumbled, going back to ripping tape off the next box.

-

“I didn’t even know they made boxes this small,” Dan sighed at the tenth box.

But Phil wasn't listening; the only thing he could hear was the loud, unsteady hammering of his own heart (which frankly, also sounded a little unhealthy) that echoed in his ear.

“Phil?” Dan’s voice sounded far away, but got Phil’s attention anyway.

“D-Dan,” he mentally chided himself - why the bloody hell was he stuttering?

“You okay? You just went really pale - paler than usual,” Dan frowned, stretching his hand out to rest gently on Phil’s shoulder.

“Yeah, just excited,” he wasn’t really lying, just not telling him the entire truth.

“I should be the one going pale - what with all these empty boxes I’m having to open,” Dan joked, which scared Phil more; it meant he was more awake, and his reaction would be much intense than it would have been in his half-asleep state.

So Phil watched with baited breath as Dan turned back to open the last box - only he didn’t know it yet.

In a matter of seconds, all jokes and any trace of sleep was wiped from Dan’s system, courtesy the deep blue velvet box staring him in the face. He picked it up with shaking hands and opened it.

“You _motherfucker_!”Dan exclaimed, throwing the candy in the box at him.

Through his worry, Phil laughed. His heart lifted at the disappointment on Dan’s face - maybe Dan wanted this as well, and Phil wouldn’t be ruthlessly rejected and have his heart ripped out.

“I’m going back to bed,” Dan said, in a much softer voice. Phil detected a faint trace of dejection.

“Dan, wait,” Phil called out, getting up on one knee.

Sensing something different in Phil’s voice, Dan turned around in reluctant curiosity - and gasped in a high pitched voice.

“Is this another joke?” Dan laughed weakly, “Gonna pull a pokeball out of your pocket?” He inquired as Phil reached for his back pocket. But instead of a red and white ball, Dan caught the glint of a diamond.

“That was good, wasn’t it?” Phil’s cheeky smile was back on his face.

“You keep scaring me and then - ugh, I hate you,” Dan huffed, stomping his feet like a two year old throwing a tantrum, “Do you have a speech Phil? Or should I just say ‘yes’?”

“I do have a speech, but if you’re already willing to spend the rest of your life with me - ” Phil broke off, grinning.

“I’m not saying anything till you make me cry with a really sappy speech, preferably one which mentions how much you love me at least three times per minute.”

“Okay - ”

“And make it long.”

“Yessir,” Phil mock saluted him, “So, Dan,” he began, a carefree smile free of worry on his face, “To begin with, I love you. I was originally planning on making a video and sending it to you, but nothing felt quite _right_ and I kept messing up. So here I am in flesh and blood doing this.

“You’re my best friend, and you make me so happy. You make me feel a certain kind of content and complete, that no one ever has. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, drawing cat whiskers on our faces and being silly and awkward and antisocial.

“I’m in love with you, Dan - and I want to marry you. I know you don’t think much of it - you never stop ranting about it just being a piece of paper. But it’s an official piece of paper. So although we don’t need anyone’s stamp of approval, let’s still make it official?

“And, yeah. I can’t see any tears, but I’m out of words in which I can tell you how much and why  I love you, and if I go any further, I am going to make a fool out of myself.

“So marry me maybe?”

After a few moments of silence, Dan piped up, “Although I managed to control my emotions and you failed to make me cry and that wasn’t even that long, you know what I’m going to say.”

“Say it again, please.”

Dan pulled Phil up, and whispered against his lips, “Yes.”

Phil face was beginning to hurt from smiling, as he slid the ring onto Dan’s fingers.

“Perfect fit,” Phil looked at the jewellery on Dan’s finger fondly, “Just like us.”

Dan groaned and mumbled something about it being too early for this kind of cheesy dialogues, before Phil shut him up by pressing his lips on Dan’s.

They broke away and stood in silence for a while, wrapped in each other’s arms.

“Can we go back to bed now?” Dan broke the silence, trying to stifle a yawn and failing.

“Sure, fiancé,” Phil smirked, untangling himself from the brunnette.

“‘Fiancé’,” Dan mumbled, “That sounds good.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Phil the fool.”


End file.
